mary

Capricorn boys make my blood boil.

I guess i'm 22 now.
Damn.



I guess life gets boring now.

i remember when i was little (probably 4 or 5), my family and i were at the beach. My mom had bought us this little blow-up beach ball. Ya know, one of those little colorful ones. It was really windy and the beach ball blew away and I didn't run after it. Later that night i got overwhelmingly sad because my mom had gone out of her way to buy us that beach ball and i just let it blow away without a second glance. I cried all night because I just let that miniscule gift from my mother just roll away. I felt like such a little brat, like I didn't deserve any presents from her ever again. I get so sad sometimes about silly things like this. It really is out of my control and I feel some of the strongest sadness from moments like that for no real reason. It's so silly. I think it has something to do with some weird connection to my mother. Aquarius love?

The point of this story is that I'm really sad right now because my mom bought me some groceries last week. She bought me a half-gallon of milk and I still have only had a few sips of it. It makes me so sad to think that I've almost wasted an entire half-gallon of milk that my mom went out of her way to buy for me. I'm gonna wake up and drink it in the morning maybe. I get so weird and uncomfortably grateful when people spend money on me, like i don't know how to handle it at all. It almost hurts watching my mom buy me clothes or my dad buy me something stupid that i said i wanted that one time for no real reason. And it's not even like they don't have money. They have plenty. This goes for everyone though, not just my parents. Whenever someone spends money on me I almost can't handle it. Maybe it's some weird independency issue. I have no idea.

It must be a really good sign that this is the only negative feeling I have right now. I'm so happy with my life right now that I could scream. I've got every single thing I want, that I HAVE wanted.

well, 2008 ended 6 days ago. But it was by far the best year of my life.
It even topped 2005.

recap:
-moved out of birmingham/my parents house
-went back to school
-moved to tuscaloosa
-met tripp norris, sarah ponder etc.
-TURNED 21 - 7 days worth of the best friends i'll ever have.
-best friend florida tour stranded spring break with teresa
-bike gang summer
-sprained ankle grayson parker amy vaughn trey carnes july 4th no parents party
-most epic beach trip ever at rachel's with bethany, katie, chimi, derek, kayhan, katherine
-nick saban undefeated season
-iron bowl
-BARACK OBAMA
-wild turkey thanksgiving
-patrick brooks
-patrick brooks
-PATRICK BROOKS
-best new years eve ever



( just for fun )

So, it's been a while.
But that's fine.

I'm in the library "studying" for finals.
It's been (and will continue to be) an all-week adderall binge.
I'll sleep when I'm dead, I just love it too much.
Which is why I will never try coke. (never say never?)

This year has flown by and a lot of things have changed for me. Life is becoming more real but at the same time, less real. I dwell on things like getting fucked up or what's happening this weekend while at the same time looking at my graduation application. What the fuck am I gonna do when I graduate? Whatever, it's fine. Teresa and I are seriously looking into putting the self-help book into motion. Just a brief over-view: (if i haven't already filled you in) The book will be entitled "It's fine: A Guide to Living a Care-free Life". The basic point of the book is to remind people that really, it's fine. Whatever bad or inconvenient thing is happening at the time won't matter in the end, or maybe in the next minute, or hour, or year. Forget about it. Applying that to my life has kind of given me a "fuck it" kind of attitude that may or may not be bad for me. Trial run.

2008 has been one of the best years of my life thus far. SO many "best nights ever".
I really love tuscaloosa and I hate that some people hate it. Because it really is just a really great, ideal place to be. Especially at this age. I also hate that so many of my close friends are going through rough times while i'm just floating on clouds in mary-land (oh haha). I know i suck at being a good friend sometimes and now is one of those times. Everyone knows that i'm not the one that's gonna sugar-coat things for you. As much as I don't want my friends to be upset or going through hard times, I want them to be realistic, as hard as that is. I'm a tough-love kind of friend but really know that it's because I care a lot about you. I love all of my friends very dearly and maybe i'm just selfish and bitter, but I want to try to help and I'm sorry that I haven't been able to. I promise I'm going to try harder. I just want everyone to be happy, and when I'm happy myself, it's hard for me to handle people who are unhappy. I'm going to try harder though, I promise. You know who you are, and i want you to know that i'm sorry.

dealing.
i don't do it very well.











the past few days a lot has come crashing down. and i've handled every single bit of it in the entirely wrong way. it's a bad day when that line between 'right' and 'wrong' disappears. i'm so tired of wasting away all of my time that, realistically, i don't have much of. being an 'adult' is too hard and i lost all touch of it this weekend. it's way past time for me to bite the bullet and quit being shit on and act like i know how i should be treated.



and there's only one really painful way to do it. see you guys on the dark side.



NYC, i hope to see you soon. And you too, LA.




i have a huge test tomorrow but i'd really enjoy some company later on.

smitten.

2008
has been the best year of my life.
and it's only 1/4th done.
I love the ammends I've made.
I love no enemies 08.
i love NEVER GOIN HOME 08!
i love bad decisions 08!
i love(d) stranded in florida 08!
i love(d) my birthday 08.
i love astrology chat 08 (every single day.)
I love HOW EVERYONE IS GETTING ALONG SO WELL.
i love tuscaloosa, alabama.


omg cheezy lj post 4lyfe.
ECLECTIC PEEPS AROUND THE WORLD.



i'm in the library.
30 mg adderall.
trying to study.
not happening.

I hate to say it, but my birthday was probably celebrated better than anyone could celebrate a birthday.
it was EPIC to say the very least. and by birthday, i really mean birthweek. 7 days total.

we'll start with a quick re-cap, then get to the thankyous. in case you would like to skip ahead.


weds: Ginny Leigh and I decided to celebrate the end of hell day with drinking all the drinks in my refridgerator. We then decided it was a good idea to make our way to crimson for more drinks then on to mellow mushroom. where we then got kicked out for stealing pictchers and making asses of ourselves. it was beautiful.

thurs: slept all day, hungout with my neighbors which i hadn't done since i moved in. they wanted to hangout because they were both plannin on leaving town for the weekend. it was pretty fun.

fri: class, drove to birmingham to ride with caleb on to troy for bethany. figured troy would suck. had planned on coming back to tuscaloosa or atleast birmingham the next day. got wasted with drew and bethany and caleb. stumbled around troy. broke some shit in some abandoned place like good ol 2003. had a generally good time. passed out.

sat: woke up, made pancakes, sang worship songs, to bethany and some hungover boys. sat around her kitchen table like a cute little family where we decided it was a genius idea to head to the beach. hey, we were only 2 hours away right? one of the best and worst ideas we had had yet. glorious ride to the beach with the windows down. parked, ran onto the beach with bethany and drew. decided it was a good idea to jump in the ocean on february 2nd. no big deal. amazing on top of the world run around on the beach with 2 awesome people for about an hour when bethany was all "so.. we need to get you home. i mean, im tired and you have a lot of homework and preparing to do for your birthday blahblahblah" so we head back. get back to the car, i put on all of drew's clothes since mine were soaked. ya know, looked beautiful. eventually by about 11 oclock made it back to tuscaloosa where i had plans to meet crys for dinner and hangout with ian for MAYBE a second. bethany decided we just need to go to crys' to just meet them and we'd go from there. still, i look beautiful and ignored the hint to maybe try to look a little more cute. knocked on crys' door. got the "come in" from crys. opened the door to every single person i've known in my entire life yelling and silly string. it was incredible. trying to hug and love on everyone, i get dragged up the stairs by stuart and MC to crys' room where THEY HAD GREG SITTING WAITING ON ME. I screamed, tackled, almost cried. It was seriously the most amazing thing anyone has every done for me. Had the time of my life. Got all my awesome presents. Ended up at some other party? Laid in bed with greg finally at about 5 to make impressions and talk about life. It was nothing short of incredible.

sun: woke up to walk greg to his car so he could make it back for work on time. Left drew bethany and cavan asleep at my apartment to go eat some crimson with everyone who stayed with crys. parted with cal, made it back home to make hemp crafts all afternoon with drew and bethany and the few that stayed for a while. cleaned up, showered. round 2. People who didn't know about surprise party and a good many locals came sunday and i got WAY more fucked than i did the night before. Legally purchased alcohol at midnight. It was glorious. Passed out at about 4 according to whoever stayed for a while. Don't remember much past about 2.

mon (my actual birthday): skipped all my classes. woke up to tommy ace stranded at my apartment. somethin about a fight? got some gas money to take him back to birmingham. birthday presents from mom and dad. monday tradition with nick payne. BSC professor visits. Nap in Ians bed. Nap in Taylor's bed. Went home to clean my apartment, do a little homework, shower, pajamas, brush teeth, bed at 8 pm. 9pm rolls around, i hear relentless banging on my front door accompanied with "mary it's your damn birthday get the fuck up we're goin out." Neighbors. Drag me out, put clothes on me. We decide to just go get some dinner and order ONE drink because i'm so wiped out. As soon as we sit down, long islands are ordered by hannah. Drink more than a few of those. She then convinces me that we need to go "around the world" or atleast "half way around the world". Which just entails hitting every bar in tuscaloosa. One bar led to another to another. Each bar noticed it was my birthday and birthday shots were poured down my throat. Fucked all over again. Passed out in all my clothes at around 2 maybe.

tues: woke up at 748 am to Bethany calling me over and over again. Yelled at her. realized i had class in 12 minutes. Made my way to American civ in the clothes i'd worn the night before. Got 2 checks by my name for making it to class (already a teacher's pet). Home, nap. Shower, get all dressed fancy for mom and dad. DInner at Highland's with parents. 3 hours consisting of Cocktail hour, 2 bottles of wine with our dinner, desert beverages, 375$ (thanks Dad), fancy clothes. It was really nice. But again, too much alcohol. Attempted to drive home, realized it was a terrible idea. Stopped at BSC to sober up with Ian. Made it to cal's roof to have a nice little chat and sober up even though the storms were brewin. Tuscaloosa, passed out cold around 1.



It's now thursday and I'm incredibly behind on all of my school work, but every second of it was worth it.

Now for the thankyous (I don't have money or addresses for cards):

CHRISTINA MARTIN: thankyou thankyouthankyouaohthankoy so much for every single thing i put you through saturday. I'm sorry I stressed you out but everything you did for me was amazing and i love you. best frenemies.
Greg Sutton: thankyou for the best surprise in the entire world and being my best friend.
Cal Woodruff: thanks for the hunch punch and being cal.
Taylor Conzelman: thanks for the entertainment and not killing rachel. Oh and thanks for the jager.
Bethany Bakane: THANKYOU FOR BEING YOU. but no thanks for "bethany time"
Teresa: thanks for the toucan plates and cross stitching.
Rachel Brown: for putting up with me and everyone else. and telling me how much you love me all the time. and for coming to my birthday and not killing anyone.
Nick Payne: thanks for being the love of my life
Ian Moore: thanks for cuddling me sunday morning and all the birthday kisses
Michael Mcclellan: thanks for everytime we hang out.
Allison Crutchfield: THANKS FOR NOTHIN
Haley Finlay and Leah Hickerson: thanks for putting up with all of my friends all over your house. And for cohosting a sweet birthday surprise.
Curtains: for coming all the way down here just to get me fucked up.
Jack Dewb: West side electric company, hope ya feel better.
Shannon Troncale: thanks for the icee maker and making it out to celebrate my birthday. call me.
Kelly Mize: for being in tuscaloosa at all the right times.

this was really dumb but i love all of you.

i didn't sleep at all
woke up at 8 to be in class by 9.
got dressed.
forced down some food so i could take my medicine.
took all my medicine.
put on my coat.
hopped on my bike.
almost fell off bike.
realized it was way too cold for just my coat.
felt like hell.
and now i'm here.
skipping class because it's way too cold for pneumonia to be outside.
i feel like i'm making excuses and i feel like i'm failing my classes.
i know i'm doing fine but i really want to do well this semester.
my excuses are very legit but still...
boohoo
this weekend is hopefully going to consist of only drawing and sleeping and maybe (hopefully) some laundry.
sorry for getting everyone sick.



It's been a good while since I posted anything legitamate in here but that's what everyone has to say. I think we're all falling into a pattern of good weekend - bad weekend - good weekend - bad weekend and so on. It's pretty ok because the good weekends are always over the top and the bad weekends just involve plenty of rest. I've picked up a new habit of entertaining myself with terrible tv and distant friends' sad stories. This may be a good thing, but i doubt it. I wish I had something more important to say but everything is really dull right now and really I'm just killing time before I go back to sleep for the rest of the day. It's almost my 21st and I have this stabbing gut-feeling that I'll more than likely spend it alone or that it won't even be anything worth celebrating. I hear so many great 21st birthday stories and really I just wish I could do something overly extravagant. Like a huge obnoxious rap music only party in some swanky ball room. I guess I would have to put that together myself though. Too lazy. It's on a monday this year. I'll be 21 at midnight on a sunday night which is only asking for trouble/being alone on my birthday. Mom already said she's got a doctor's appointment the 4th so I probably won't get to see my family either. Boo hoo I'll continue to whine. I wish all my close friends didn't live in birmingham so that I could atleast expect to see some of them. I really shouldn't be complaining right now. I have everything I really need or want right now.

Some company this weekend might be nice but I know everyone was just here. I may come to Birmingham this weekend if I can afford it (financially and health-wise). We'll see.

tuscaloosa time.
my room is empty and for some reason i'm a little bit sad about this?
whatever, i move out of birmingham for the first time in almost 21 years.
who's ready to hangout?
gettin in the car now.
see ya birminghamn.

TAYLOR AND RACHEL.
CHEER UP.



it's almost new years.

last night.
sheesh.


i don't work at michael's anymore.
bummer.

today/this week have been the ultimate turn-around.
it's been building up for months.
my real friends, the ones who very obviously aren't trying to take advantage of me, have all come through for me. I would like to say thankyou to all of these people right now. You know who you are.

Having and finding and re-discovering these people has been one of the best parts of this whole experience. But all in 1 week I get erik thurmond, paid, true friends willing to help me out, julia finch, my driver's license re-instated, and my car. tomorrow night, we're celebrating. So many things are about to get so awesome. GET STOKED.

i haven't posted on lj in a long time. nor have i logged in at all.
somebody make me a margarita.


Step 1: Put your music player, or whatever on random.
Step 2: Post your favorite line from the first 20 songs that play, no matter how embarrassing the song.
Step 3: Post and let everyone you know guess what song and artist the lines come from.
Step 4: Strike out the songs when someone guesses correctly.
Step 5: Looking them up on Google or any other search engine is CHEATING! And cheating is BAD!

1. we sold our clothes to the state, i don't mind i don't mind. i made a lot of mistakes in my mind in my mind (this is easy)

2. why do i bother when you're not the one for me? is enough enough? (hahahaha)

3. i just found a friend in one of your lies to treat me so nice i can't believe my bones.

4. cuz maybe my mom's right, our good deeds won't save us. just true faith in jesus. so in the name of her lord, let's do what we shouldn't some more.

5. my actions are orchestrated from above. so i swing and i sway wave your hand kick my leg and it's always right with the music.

6. i wish i had a socket set to dismantle this morning. just one pair of clean socks, and a photo of you. when you get off work tonight, meet me at the construction site and we'll write some notes to tape to the heavy machines. (this song makes me so happy)

7. carbon monoxide as i take you home. first time i get my socks on right but i don't have a gas mask on.

8.

9. god, give us love in the time that we have.

10. some minor thought fell from the sky. nobody wants that either. paper model plane glued to your spine severing off your feelings.

11. whatever we are now seem hardly aware of what we're used to being, of what we planned on being.

12. i find a fatal flaw in the logic of love and go out of my head. you love a sinking stone that'll never elope so get used to the lonesome. girl, you must atone some. don't leave me no phone number there.

13. we're just two human beings individually with inherent interest in each other and how we relate.

14. under the iron bridge we kissed, and although I ended up with sore lips, it just wasn't like the old days anymore. no, it wasn't like those days.

15. you were right about the stars. each one is a setting sun.

16. we can't dance, we don't talk much, we just ball and play, but then we move like tigers on vaseline.

17. i don't know why you treat me so bad, think of all the things we could have had. love is an ocean that i can't forget my sweet sixteen i would never regret.

18. i've got a couple books on tape and a fresh pack of cigarettes.

19. i'm not expecting to grow flowers in the desert but i can live and breathe and see the sun in wintertime.

20. there's things i remember and things i forget i miss you i guess that i should. three thousand five hundred miles away, but what would you change if you could?

i have so many things to say.


you make it so hard.
where do i start?
where i left off?
is there a point?








someone tell me im strong enought to get the fuck away.
from all of this. from all of you who make me feel like nothing every time i go out of my way for you.
least appreciated person in bham award. omgzzzz.





omg motherfuckin dashboard.
leave me alone.
i hate you.

i got a new phone.

i need numberz.

what's up with everyone hatin on everything?


get over yourself and act like a human.

A BIG THANKS

to: (this may be cheesy, you should probably stop reading)

my real friends who have helped me through this nonsense and who have been there for me when i needed them most. never fail, even after all we've been through.

this means you somer reading, bringing me easter baskets (complete with cadbury eggs and nice vodka!), leaving me a much needed tip, being there to listen to me when breakdowns ensue, and taking time out of your day to visit me in hell.

AND YOU
Daryl lacey, for bringing your mom and taking your time to come visit me in hell also. And for all your help and tips and advice that i've needed most of all in the past few weeks. You are great. Still.

Both of you have no idea how much i appreciate you.


and your moms.





Life can go to shit so fast. It would be much worse without some of the people you need.
My bitterness is lightening up.
Im becoming less cynical.
I don't really know how i feel about it.

why am i lowering my standards?

and since when is being nice to someone a big deal?
i knew being cynical and negative was getting me places.

damn, i guess it's all ruined now.

mature confrontation?

no, no! livejournal.